Everyone knows what they want to be later, right?

About me and my conflict

As a 10-year-old boy, I already knew that I wanted to become a drummer. In high school, I found it very strange that many other kids didn’t know what they wanted to be later. I’d always thought this was something that came with birth. That however did not appear to be the case. Looking back, I realise that it is actually quite unique to know so early what you want to be when you grow up.

When I got my basic high school diploma but was asked for a higher level by the music academy, my father thought it would be better for me to first complete a business training in retail. That would take one year longer than the higher secondary education, but at least I would have a qualification in my pocket in case the music academy didn’t work out. While I essentially understood his way of thinking, but it did not make me happy. My father was a hard-working entrepreneur and had quite a few reservations about my career choice.

In addition, in the village where I grew up, they didn’t like it either. “That Lammers boy is going to a music academy and to study ‘popular music’ at that! Well, he’ll soon end up in the gutter”. That was the way people thought back then. In any case, after my business training, I was admitted to the music academy and could finally do what my heart had told me to do years ago.

When I finally received my diploma from the music academy, my father made the clumsy remark: “So boy, now it’s about time you really started working”. That remark hit me like a sledgehammer. Had I studied so long and so hard only to be met with such an awful remark? A few more comments along similar lines followed later.

I was not good enough and I took that to be true

The effect

In my father’s eyes, I was apparently not good enough, no matter how hard I had tried. It was just a few words, but they had long-lasting consequences.

I ended up believing myself that I was not good enough. As a result, I always kept my father at arm’s length. I ended up not visiting very often, only the obligatory visits and then no longer than necessary.

Did he ever literally say, “Eddy, you are not good enough?”. No, of course not. However, that’s how it felt, and I took it to be true and unconsciously acted accordingly. I was only able to resolve it when I began my training in Transformative Mediaton and Life Coaching. My father became one of my obligatory practice projects and I started unravelling what had actually happened. In retrospect, the solution was quite simple. As Johan Cruijff so eloquently put it, “You only see it when you realise it”.  

With the unravelling came the dissapearance of a conflict

The transformation

I was able to transform the situation and make everything clear in a positive discussion with my father. My father made the comment only out of concern for me, from his own particular perspective. He wanted me to find a good job so that I could support myself and my family. He had never realised what his remark did to me.

This got the conflict out of the way, finally resolved. So nice and what peace it brought. Fortunately, we still had a valuable and good father-son relationship together for the last three years of his life. With quality time and very nice conversations.